Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Good morning, students and faculty of Limbrook University.
As you know, each week you are required to watch an episode of Everybody loves Raymond. This week's episode is the boob Job. Season four, episode one. Debra's unhappy by Ray's excited reaction to her friend's bigger breasts at a PTA meeting. Thinking Ray would like her better if she had bigger boobs as well, she decides to stuff a pair of socks in her brain to see if he'll be surprised. We recommend watching the show as soon as possible to prepare for what you are about to hear. Please remember that the Barone Zone is an improvised comedy podcast that draws on each episode of Everybody loves Raymond for inspiration. That's why it's number one on Apple Podcast. Also, whoever keeps imitating my voice on Soundcloud, please stop. It's annoying and is causing me distress with my wife. Thank you.
[00:01:18] Speaker B: All right, this is good. Let me just get the shopping cart in here. And microwave.
[00:01:25] Speaker C: This is a nice entry hall. Where's the rest of it, Alex?
[00:01:29] Speaker B: In here? Yeah. No, it looks like I got the one with one bed. So I guess you and Mike could use the double together.
You know how it is with dorm rooms. It's luck of the draw.
[00:01:42] Speaker C: So, wait, this whole building isn't ours? Just this one room?
[00:01:46] Speaker B: Yeah, and the common area. So, really, what you own and are entitled to is half of that room and use. Occasional use of the common area.
[00:02:01] Speaker C: But. But we had a whole town hall.
[00:02:04] Speaker B: The whole town.
[00:02:05] Speaker C: We had a whole. We had a whole lynbrook. And now he has nothing.
[00:02:09] Speaker D: Hey, guys, I got the keg.
[00:02:10] Speaker B: Oh, cool, cool. Great. Mike. That's.
[00:02:12] Speaker D: Yeah, so I'm thinking that this floor is the keg floor.
[00:02:16] Speaker C: Mike, we don't even own all of this floor.
[00:02:18] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:02:20] Speaker D: Oh, so what? Like, we only, like, this is the. The place where the. Where the workers live. Okay, so we'll use this half as the keg room. Up the upstairs. We could do bowling alley, right?
[00:02:28] Speaker B: We're still down. No, Mike, they don't mind. Mike, upstairs is also dorm rooms. Guys, I know this is an adjustment.
We were on top of the world, and now, let's face it, our status has changed. We're just three students.
No better than. No better or worse than anyone else here at Lynn Brook University.
[00:02:51] Speaker C: Yeah. Why'd we end up.
I understood. Like, you know, after we sold the town, we had to do something with our lives. And coming to college seemed like a cool idea at the first place, but I didn't realize being a college student meant that you don't have any power or authority or land?
[00:03:08] Speaker B: No. I'm sorry that you were under the impression that being a college student granted you land. I don't think that's been true. Maybe since the medieval period.
[00:03:19] Speaker D: But I'm paying. But I'm paying the price of a house to be here. I should get a. I should get a. I should get some land.
[00:03:26] Speaker B: Well, I mean, I don't disagree with that. It's not up to me. It's up to, I guess, the provost, if that's what a provost is. I keep getting all these letters from the provost, and I'm not sure if it's somebody who works here or if it's, like, a candyman type of, like, supernatural. Should I be a of the provost? Is he a babadook? Yeah.
[00:03:48] Speaker C: Don't say it in the mirror three times.
[00:03:50] Speaker B: Okay, I was staring at myself in the mirror for those last two, but, yeah, we have a mirror. We have one mirror that we all have to share.
[00:03:59] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:03:59] Speaker B: Oh, so that is an adjustment.
[00:04:01] Speaker C: Where is the bathroom, by the way?
[00:04:04] Speaker B: So, you see this unusually narrow door? Like, you ever been to an old house and there's, like, a weirdly narrowed or short door? Um, this? Yeah.
[00:04:14] Speaker C: Oh, my God.
[00:04:16] Speaker D: There's like. It's. It's like you have to, like, suck.
[00:04:19] Speaker C: In your gut for the shower.
[00:04:21] Speaker D: Well, that does it. I'm going in the sink.
[00:04:25] Speaker C: Mike, there's no sink right there.
[00:04:27] Speaker B: No.
[00:04:30] Speaker C: Mike, that's my laptop case. Don't pee in that.
[00:04:32] Speaker D: What?
[00:04:34] Speaker B: Don't pee.
[00:04:35] Speaker C: Stop. Button your pants.
[00:04:37] Speaker D: Flows. Flow. Started, can't stop.
[00:04:40] Speaker C: Oh, use the keg.
[00:04:42] Speaker B: Use the keg. Tap the keg and piss.
[00:04:44] Speaker D: Why would I do that? Why would I do that? Then we'd ruin all the beer in it.
[00:04:48] Speaker B: I've seen the beer that you buy. Some might call that an improvement.
[00:04:51] Speaker D: Excuse you.
Excuse you. Brooklight is an american treasure, and I'm deeply offended that you wouldn't. That you would even apply otherwise.
[00:05:01] Speaker B: All I know is they paid you to take it, so.
[00:05:05] Speaker D: Yeah, yeah, because I bought the most. I won a contest.
[00:05:09] Speaker B: That's not. That's not. That's not what? A contest, I guess.
And you're doing, like, a Pepsi. Where's my jet? With them, aren't you? Where, like, they're demanding the prize that you get for buying what? What are they giving you? Like, a dirt bike?
[00:05:24] Speaker D: They're giving away a dirt bike. They're also giving away sponsorship of Brooklight. They want literally anyone who's willing to say good things about the beer, I believe is the exact text that is in the sweepstakes. So I get a dirt bike, I get to talk about Brooklight on tv, and I also lose my job.
[00:05:41] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:05:43] Speaker C: Oh, speaking of. Speaking of beer and kegs, some guy named Funkeletti gave me this flyer for a party tonight. Now, Mike, I know you. The game's on, but I think we should do this instead.
[00:05:58] Speaker D: I don't know if I can miss the game. I don't know if I could do it.
[00:06:01] Speaker C: We'll be in and out back by ten, I promise. Tivo it. You'll be fine.
[00:06:06] Speaker D: This is a big game. I don't know.
[00:06:08] Speaker B: Then tivo it and tape it. Use the VCR, I guess.
[00:06:12] Speaker D: Okay.
[00:06:14] Speaker C: Wow. We really are lucky that this college has not updated this room since 1995.
[00:06:21] Speaker B: Mike, I did want to ask you, are you going to be ready for party? Because it looks like I brought my shopping cart full of microwave and bedding, and I.
[00:06:31] Speaker C: And I brought my laptop case full of Mike's piss, and I brought Brooke light.
[00:06:36] Speaker D: What's the problem?
[00:06:37] Speaker B: Did you close? Do you have, like, a toothpaste? Do you have any. I know. They pushed us out of town hall fast. That is where you were living.
[00:06:48] Speaker D: They famously. They. I did not know that we had so many legalized pitchforks and torches as we did. As were chasing us out of. Out of town.
[00:07:00] Speaker C: That was the last bill I passed.
[00:07:01] Speaker D: Yeah, that was. That was. You passed the torches and pitch.
[00:07:04] Speaker B: He opened the right to pitch for. He put in the. The farm show loophole to where you don't need a background check if you get your pitchfork at a farm show.
[00:07:15] Speaker D: Alex, I gotta say, that's a bit of an oversight.
That doesn't feel like it would make sense.
[00:07:19] Speaker C: Well, that's easy to say now, mister not mayor.
[00:07:22] Speaker B: Yeah. What do you want him to do now?
[00:07:24] Speaker C: I was a very successful politician, and now I'm ready to completely change my life. Now that I'm a retired mayor, I'm just going to live off my stipend for the rest of my life. I'm going to get my portrait done by a famous artist, and everyone on Instagram is going to comment about how ugly it is.
[00:07:41] Speaker D: How's your great plan?
[00:07:43] Speaker B: How's your library coming along?
[00:07:46] Speaker C: Oh, yeah, the library. Yeah, I'll check out how that library is coming along. But from what I remember, it was two books and a paperweight.
[00:07:56] Speaker B: Okay, so they could probably. Wait, what were the books?
[00:08:00] Speaker C: The Bible and the Bible.
[00:08:02] Speaker B: Two right here. It looks like somebody slipped it in your suitcase while we were. Ah.
[00:08:07] Speaker C: And Mike pissed on it.
[00:08:08] Speaker B: We got the library. Mike, you pissed on the Bible, dude?
[00:08:12] Speaker D: Hold on.
[00:08:13] Speaker B: You've already been to hell once.
[00:08:15] Speaker D: I've been to hell already. I can't do this again. How do I. Ugh. All right, hold on. Give this to me. I'm gonna doubt this in Brooklyn. We're gonna clean this off.
[00:08:23] Speaker B: So, listen, things have changed.
Things have changed. We are all adjusting. I think what's important, though, is that we find our place here at Lynbrook University. You know, we're older students, lifelong learners, and it's important for us to integrate with the student body. You know, Alex, don't get too excited about integrating with the student body.
[00:08:54] Speaker D: I.
[00:08:55] Speaker C: Trust me, last thing on my mind, the only thing I'm focused on is getting good grades and getting a good buzz.
[00:09:02] Speaker B: Oh, what's your major?
[00:09:05] Speaker C: You know, I'm kind of. You know, my major right now is undecided, so I'm just, you know, I'm filling out my cores while I figure out my life.
You know, I'm just gonna knock all these classes out, and then, you know, probably the middle of my sophomore year, beginning of my junior year, I'll, you know, I'll pick a direction for my entire life to go, you know? Yeah, I got, like, three years to figure that out. Although I know Mike, like, you know, was preaching about his plan.
[00:09:32] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, right, right.
[00:09:34] Speaker D: Majoring in psychology, and I've decided that, yeah. So be good.
[00:09:40] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:09:40] Speaker C: Well, Mike, if a keg opens itself in the forest and Alex isn't there to drink it, is it really a keg?
[00:09:46] Speaker D: I believe that's philosophy.
[00:09:48] Speaker C: Exactly. Let's go to the party.
[00:09:50] Speaker D: Let's do it, baby.
[00:09:52] Speaker B: Cut to us walking across the quad.
Mike, are you not gonna, like, clean up the piss before we go to the. Where is it, Alex? The Delta house. The Delta house is. Is pretty far, so we have time if you want to go pop into, like, the bookstore and buy, like, a jogger that they might have for, like, $80 or.
[00:10:16] Speaker D: Did not force Alex to bring his suitcase full of piss. That's on him. Don't put on me.
[00:10:22] Speaker C: How funny would it be, though, if someone asked to do a keg stand and instead of the keg?
[00:10:28] Speaker D: It would be very funny. It would be funny.
[00:10:31] Speaker C: Before. Before we start drinking, though, um, I am pretty hungry, and you know what they say. You never eat on a full alcoholic stomach, so you should eat now, right? I heard there's a calzone place near here.
[00:10:44] Speaker B: Oh.
[00:10:44] Speaker C: Or as the locals call it, a pizzeria.
[00:10:48] Speaker D: Okay, let's hit Cal. Let's hit the calzone zone.
[00:10:52] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. The calzone zone. Right?
[00:10:55] Speaker C: Yummy.
[00:10:56] Speaker B: Do they do, like, the. The meal transfer thing with the. With the student card? Because, you know, I. Yeah, yeah, I think they.
[00:11:04] Speaker C: I think they do for, like, a small calzone and, like, half a yogurt. But then if you want a drink, you have to pay your own money.
[00:11:12] Speaker B: I will say the calzonen yogurt combo is a classic. So popular with the students here. You wouldn't think that those flavors would go together. But you see people sitting around campus dipping calzones in a yoplait all day long.
[00:11:30] Speaker D: Hey, guys. Did I hear you talking about the calzone zone?
[00:11:33] Speaker B: Uh, yeah.
[00:11:34] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:11:34] Speaker B: Hi.
[00:11:35] Speaker C: Who are you?
[00:11:36] Speaker B: Hey, I'm Cal.
[00:11:39] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:11:40] Speaker B: What's your last name? Is that a normal thing for college students to ask each other?
[00:11:44] Speaker D: I don't know, but, yeah, I'm. I'm zone. I'm. I'm Calzone. I'm the owner of the Calzone zone. It's great to see you.
[00:11:52] Speaker C: Are you related, by chance, to our friend Pete Zone?
[00:11:55] Speaker D: Uh, yo, you know Pete?
[00:11:56] Speaker B: Yeah, the finnish cousin.
[00:11:58] Speaker D: He's such a cool dude.
[00:12:00] Speaker C: Dude, we met him last season. Yeah, I forgot his whole thing. Oh, wait, yes, I know. I remember his. His whole thing was that his name was Pete saw, and he had no other traits that are.
[00:12:10] Speaker D: Ah, yo, that's total classic Pete. That's great. That's great. So what. What's going on here? Oh, yo, is that a keg? Are you going to the Delta party?
[00:12:17] Speaker C: Uh, we were planning on it, but we were gonna get some zones first, you know?
[00:12:21] Speaker D: Oh, you gotta do the zoning girt, dude. You got a zone. And gird.
[00:12:25] Speaker B: A Zonengerd. Is that German?
[00:12:28] Speaker D: No, three words.
[00:12:31] Speaker B: Well, three words. Okay.
[00:12:33] Speaker D: Zone and Gert, you got a zone.
[00:12:34] Speaker B: Got it. Got it.
[00:12:36] Speaker C: Are they homemade?
[00:12:38] Speaker D: What? The Gerts? No, they're yoplait, dude.
[00:12:42] Speaker C: Well, that sounds great.
[00:12:44] Speaker B: What is your let's walk and talk? And, Mike, keep dragging that keg. I know it's getting heavy, but just.
[00:12:52] Speaker C: You know, especially because I'm.
Especially cause I'm sitting on it, but I like it. It kind of reminds me when I was on top of the world.
[00:12:59] Speaker B: Yeah, you're. You're pulling Alex on the keg, rolling along the ground like a Rickshaw dude.
[00:13:04] Speaker D: You're totally abusing that guy. He's awesome. You guys rule.
[00:13:08] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah. You know, that's kind of a thing with us. You'll see.
[00:13:12] Speaker B: So, Cal.
[00:13:13] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:13:14] Speaker B: Let's all go up the grand staircase here together. So, Mike, good luck. Cal, what is your role in the business? Because, if you don't mind me saying, you look like quite a young man.
[00:13:25] Speaker D: I run the business. I run the show. I make the zones. I buy the girt. I put them together. I was the guy that invented the zoning, actually, myself. So I'm, you know, my uncle, he's the one that really was the one that put me in charge of the whole place. I own. We're franchising. I'm the owner of this here franchise. I don't have to pay a single dollar in student loans. This is incredible.
[00:13:49] Speaker C: God damn.
[00:13:50] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:51] Speaker C: Wow.
[00:13:51] Speaker B: Oh, look at the line. Outside of the calzone zone. I don't suppose, Cal, you could give us a little vip treatment as your new friends who we haven't introduced. Oh, yeah.
[00:14:03] Speaker D: But wait. What the hell's your names? Dude?
[00:14:06] Speaker B: Yeah, my name is Alex. Should I go for, like, a nickname or. Like. I know a lot of people.
[00:14:13] Speaker C: This is the chance to reinvent yourself.
[00:14:16] Speaker D: I love it when people collaborate, when I ask them their names.
[00:14:19] Speaker B: It's my favorite couch. Yeah. You like that? We're sort of stage whispering towards each other.
[00:14:24] Speaker D: Yeah, I can hear everything.
[00:14:25] Speaker B: Right after you asked a very simple question.
[00:14:27] Speaker C: He has no idea what your name is. This is totally your time to reinvent yourself, Adam.
[00:14:31] Speaker B: You're right.
[00:14:32] Speaker D: God. Can I get a girt? No, I'm with my friends. Shit. We're just walking. Sorry. Ignore these people. They're so rude. As we're walking by. Just.
[00:14:42] Speaker B: They ask you directly. They don't go up to the counter?
[00:14:45] Speaker D: No, they just see me. They're like. They're like Pavlov's dogs. I majored in psychology, so I know this thing. They're like. They're like the ducks. They see me, they want the zone. They see me, they want the girt. It's the only two things they think of me, of.
[00:14:58] Speaker C: Cal, since you majored in philosophy, let me ask you something. If a keg is in the forest.
[00:15:04] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:15:05] Speaker C: And I drink it, is it delicious?
[00:15:09] Speaker D: Depends. What kind of beer?
[00:15:11] Speaker C: Uh, forest beer.
[00:15:12] Speaker D: Oh, dude, that's so good. It's the greatest.
[00:15:15] Speaker C: Thanks.
[00:15:15] Speaker D: It's the greatest.
[00:15:16] Speaker C: I'm Alex, by the way.
[00:15:17] Speaker D: Hey. See, that's a good answer.
[00:15:21] Speaker B: My name is Spike.
[00:15:24] Speaker D: Spike?
[00:15:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:27] Speaker D: I don't.
[00:15:28] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:15:29] Speaker D: I don't know if I like that, dude.
[00:15:30] Speaker B: I don't if you don't like it. Well, maybe changing the name of the.
[00:15:35] Speaker C: Episode description as we speak doesn't seem.
[00:15:37] Speaker B: Like a name that you like. Then maybe I misspoke and my name is actually Spoke. Well, just reminds.
[00:15:45] Speaker D: Spoke.
[00:15:46] Speaker B: Yeah. Okay.
[00:15:46] Speaker D: Spoke is. I thought I misheard you. Spike was just some bad. I used to love Spike TV, and it just died.
[00:15:53] Speaker B: Oh, and now it's the paramount.
[00:15:54] Speaker C: Now, he went for Spoke because he's a big Star Trek fan, but he's also dyslexic.
[00:16:00] Speaker D: What?
[00:16:01] Speaker B: Help me out with that one, Alex.
[00:16:03] Speaker D: Walk me through what's Star Trek.
[00:16:06] Speaker B: Spock, that is not dyslexia.
That is something else. And I don't know what it is.
[00:16:16] Speaker D: It's just misreading. It's just mispronouncing.
[00:16:20] Speaker B: I'm.
[00:16:20] Speaker C: Yeah, I don't know.
[00:16:21] Speaker B: I am into Star Trek, and if that's cool with you. I know. Like, I'm looking for any kind of positive body language signal from you about Star Trek, and you're just staring directly at me with no expression. Okay, moving on. So I. Yeah, I'm a big Star Trek fan, and also I competed. Don't look this up. I competed in the X Games in 2003 on the BMX Games.
[00:16:48] Speaker D: Used to be on Spike TV.
[00:16:49] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:16:50] Speaker D: That's awesome.
[00:16:51] Speaker B: I thought you'd like that. You probably saw me back in the day, but I wouldn't look for any, like, footage.
[00:16:57] Speaker D: Okay.
[00:16:58] Speaker B: Yeah, I won the silver, if that's how they do it.
BMX.
[00:17:06] Speaker D: Yeah. Oh, dude, we gotta get you on a bike tonight. That sounds awesome.
[00:17:10] Speaker B: Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. And I'll do a bunch of cool tricks and.
[00:17:15] Speaker D: Yeah, anyway, that's what kind of gerd strawberry you want? Plain? We got, uh. We got. We got fat free. We got greek. Whatcha. Whatcha pleasure?
[00:17:23] Speaker C: Here, I got this. Uh. Hi, there. Four calzones, please, and two gerts. One regular, one strawberry, and, uh, what do you guys want?
[00:17:31] Speaker B: I will. I will have the cheapest. The cheapest thing. The. The calzone and half a.
[00:17:39] Speaker D: The cheapest thing. Betty, he wants the cheap.
[00:17:42] Speaker B: He wants the cheap. Well, hold on. He wants the cheap. I thought this was normal. I thought this was, like, a meal plan thing. Here we go.
[00:17:50] Speaker D: You see?
[00:17:50] Speaker B: Let me get out the microscope. There it is.
[00:17:53] Speaker D: Benny rolls out. Rolls out a mic, a barrel, carrying a singular test tube of. And as he opens it, the foulest soul hits the air. Just. All right, well, you wanted the cheap, we got the colonel.
[00:18:11] Speaker B: No. Well, that. The.
[00:18:12] Speaker C: Is that food?
[00:18:13] Speaker D: Legally, we can't offer more than a tube?
[00:18:15] Speaker B: Is that is cow. You're my new friend. Is me eating this in front of you a deal breaker?
[00:18:23] Speaker D: I want you to lock eyes with me right now.
[00:18:25] Speaker B: Yeah. Your eyes are black and gloves.
[00:18:26] Speaker D: You're looking at me? Cause I'm looking at you.
[00:18:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:29] Speaker D: Let me just say this.
If you eat this dirt, it will fuck you up so fucking much, you.
[00:18:37] Speaker C: Won'T even need to drink alcohol.
[00:18:38] Speaker D: You'll become the biggest legend this side of lit.
[00:18:44] Speaker B: The band lit?
[00:18:45] Speaker D: No, Lynn, like, you know, Lynn Brooke. It's the. The university is split into Lynn's and Brooks. We're on the brook. You want to be this side of Lin? You want to be the biggest badass this side of Lynn, you gotta eat this fucking.
[00:18:57] Speaker B: You know, when I was in the. Was in the X games, lit played the halftime show.
[00:19:02] Speaker D: Oh, dude, that was a great show.
[00:19:03] Speaker B: Yeah. They played my own worst enemy over and over and over and over and over.
[00:19:07] Speaker D: It's their best song. Why would they ever stop?
[00:19:09] Speaker B: It's their only song.
[00:19:11] Speaker D: It's the greatest song ever.
[00:19:13] Speaker B: All right, four.
I think this is peer pressure, and I'm completely blanking on what I'm supposed to do when I'm peer pressured. So I think. I guess I'm gonna take it so that you like me.
Okay.
The approval of all these young people is intoxicating. Okay, I'll do it. Here I go.
[00:19:37] Speaker C: Oh, hey, look. His eyes are like. Are like cows now.
[00:19:41] Speaker B: Smash cut. As.
[00:19:42] Speaker D: As we watch. Adam. Adam, drink. Adam drink. We see his consciousness fade to black, and as he opens up, he's driving down. He's on a BMX bike, riding backwards at the Delta house, doing flips.
[00:20:03] Speaker C: I tried to talk him out of.
[00:20:04] Speaker D: It, but he just said, you can't stop smoke. This guy rules.
[00:20:10] Speaker C: My God, the legend of smoke. He's born tonight.
[00:20:15] Speaker B: I've been airborne. As these guys are talking. I've been airborne. I'm on, like, a 21 20 rotation at this point on my bms over.
[00:20:24] Speaker D: The plane that gives the Delta house its name.
[00:20:31] Speaker C: You just, like, hear, like, Alex, like, half drunk. It is, like. So anyway, I thought Raven did pretty good this episode.
[00:20:40] Speaker D: He's never done better in his life.
[00:20:43] Speaker C: He's my best friend.
[00:20:44] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:20:45] Speaker C: Adam doesn't know how to ride a bike too good. He's really so conscious about it.
[00:20:49] Speaker D: Who's Adam? That guy sucks. He should learn from spoke.
[00:20:53] Speaker C: Oh, my God.
[00:20:54] Speaker D: You have so much to learn.
[00:20:56] Speaker B: Hey, everybody, I just want to let you know, I landed it. I landed on the other side of the house, away from view, and I landed it perfectly.
[00:21:07] Speaker C: Oh, that spoke.
[00:21:08] Speaker B: So, I guess you should like me now, right?
[00:21:11] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah. What's wrong with your leg, dude?
[00:21:14] Speaker B: Oh, it's always been like this. It's. I.
Yeah. You know, knees.
[00:21:20] Speaker D: Daddy, did you notice that his knee is all totally gnarly?
[00:21:23] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, man.
[00:21:24] Speaker C: He's got, like, that bird knee.
[00:21:26] Speaker B: It goes backwards.
I always have had bird knees, so nobody needs to look at me. But just like that one. The one. Yeah, it's always been like this, so we don't need to. And I'm fine.
I think the yogurt gave me whatever it is that lets pregnant women lift cars onto babies. I think I have that, so it's fine. And nobody, everyone, I appreciate the positive attention I've received thus far. Nobody needs to look at me anymore.
[00:21:58] Speaker D: Lift cars onto babies?
[00:22:00] Speaker B: Did I say onto?
[00:22:02] Speaker D: Yeah. Dude, that's totally fucked up. It's not like only one could survive. That's the worst.
[00:22:07] Speaker C: Oh, that's. That's classic spoke.
It's working. We're popular.
[00:22:13] Speaker B: I don't know. I said pregnant women as, not mothers. As if pregnant women are out there saving other people's baby.
[00:22:20] Speaker D: Well, they're not. They're putting the cars onto the baby. That's totally fucked.
[00:22:25] Speaker C: I can. I can only have. There can only be one.
[00:22:28] Speaker B: Yeah, I I'm sorry. Start. Stop. Just stop looking at me. Mike. Go look at. Go talk to Mike. Mike is a really interesting, cool guy.
[00:22:38] Speaker C: No, he's not.
[00:22:38] Speaker D: We seem like we see Mike with a rope over his shoulders dragging the barrel of brook light that fell down the grand staircase about 2 hours ago before Adam took the girt. And he drags it up. He's like, I got it. I got it. Who wants beer and all the beer.
[00:23:03] Speaker B: If you've got some. What, uh, what brand?
[00:23:05] Speaker D: It's brook light, dude.
[00:23:07] Speaker B: Oh, I've never heard of that. Yeah, I'm from the west coast, so maybe I I haven't.
[00:23:13] Speaker D: Oh, I'm so sorry.
[00:23:15] Speaker B: Yeah, well, what? I'm sorry. I'm a little out of it. You might not.
[00:23:22] Speaker C: Oh, hey, you're the guy who gave me the flyer. Funkle teddy, right?
[00:23:26] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah, that's my nickname.
[00:23:28] Speaker D: My.
[00:23:28] Speaker B: My given christian name is Paul. John Paul.
[00:23:33] Speaker C: Why do you go by funkle teddy?
[00:23:36] Speaker B: Well, so what you got to understand about the delta house is it's not like a normal frat where everyone's brothers, right? So the brothers who are in the preceding generation, like class that ran last year, rushed last year, we are now elevated up one generation. And so to most of the bro, and we're all assigned a son. And to most of the people, then, I'm their uncle, therefore, and I'm pretty fun.
And Teddy is just because I really admire Teddy Roosevelt and yeah.
[00:24:16] Speaker D: Does that mean you get to fly the plane?
[00:24:19] Speaker B: Does that mean I get to fly the plane? No, no, no one gets to fly the plane, dude.
The last time that plane was flown was when it was landed on the roof of the Delta house giving it its name. Have you ever heard of one of our most famous alumni members of this frat? His. This guy. Maybe you've heard of him. Sully Sullenberger. He's an alumnus.
[00:24:45] Speaker D: He's a bit of a dick.
[00:24:46] Speaker B: You've met him. He comes to all of our networking events.
[00:24:51] Speaker D: Oh, yeah.
[00:24:51] Speaker C: Oh, is he the guy. He's just, like, trying to stay in college.
[00:24:55] Speaker B: Yeah, he. It's kind of sad. He lives across the street from the college in that condo complex.
[00:25:00] Speaker C: He lives right across the street? That's right.
[00:25:05] Speaker B: Is that from everybody's alternate?
[00:25:07] Speaker C: Oh, you know it, bro.
[00:25:08] Speaker B: Oh, it's funny. Yeah, he is kind of the Marie of Delta House, if you. If you know what I mean, barging over all the time, usually with some sort of hot dish. And I don't mean a young lady.
[00:25:20] Speaker C: That was my next question.
[00:25:22] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, he's. I think he's married.
He says he's married.
He says he's married, but we've never seen him with a. I want to.
[00:25:32] Speaker D: Know more about you, Funkel. Teddy, what's your story? How long have you been here?
[00:25:36] Speaker B: Well, I'm a sophomore.
I came here from San Francisco, California, where I grew up.
Are you familiar with the Golden Gate Bridge?
[00:25:47] Speaker C: No.
[00:25:48] Speaker B: Well, there's this bridge, and it's rather large. Is it golden gate and my father? No, actually, you'd be surprised. It's red.
[00:25:56] Speaker D: It's like the gate itself.
[00:25:59] Speaker B: There's actually no gate, is what's interesting about it. It's. Is it a bridge?
[00:26:04] Speaker C: Like, what the hell is it?
[00:26:05] Speaker B: Is a bridge, yes.
[00:26:06] Speaker D: Okay, one for three. We're all right.
[00:26:09] Speaker B: And my father built it with. With his bear. With his bare hands, so my name is John Paul, Golden Gate. I like Funko, Teddy, and I'm majoring in interior design.
[00:26:25] Speaker D: How many beers have you had tonight, funkle, Teddy?
[00:26:28] Speaker B: Oh, 100.
[00:26:30] Speaker D: You are?
[00:26:31] Speaker C: Wow.
[00:26:31] Speaker D: Very triple. Very, very straightforward.
[00:26:35] Speaker B: You know, I suppose from my explanation of my background, you're right. I'm very straightforward.
[00:26:42] Speaker D: A lot of details. I. Yeah, I give you credit there, Funko.
[00:26:46] Speaker C: Yeah, I want to see what you're like when you're sober.
[00:26:49] Speaker B: Come back tomorrow. Come back tomorrow morning, in fact.
[00:26:52] Speaker C: Okay, I won't be sober yet, but I'll try.
[00:26:55] Speaker D: Hey, Alex, should we check on Adam? He's kind of cowering in the corner over there.
[00:27:00] Speaker C: Oh. Was he still in the air?
[00:27:02] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:27:02] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:03] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:27:03] Speaker B: I'm not crying. It's. It's fine. It's. It's. My leg was always like this, and I can ride a bike. Buddy needs to make fun of me.
[00:27:14] Speaker C: No one's saying you can't ride a bike.
[00:27:17] Speaker B: And if anyone was a medical student, that would be cool if I could talk to them about that, because I'm considering going premed myself, and that's the only reason. And I don't need help, and everybody needs to stop looking at me.
[00:27:35] Speaker C: Can I talk to you over here?
Can I talk to you over here?
Mike, I. I'm only, like, mostly drunk, but, like, I think Adam's got some sort of insecurity about the fact that he can't ride a bike.
[00:27:49] Speaker D: I can tell. Yeah.
[00:27:51] Speaker C: Let's make fun of him for this.
[00:27:53] Speaker B: Hey.
[00:27:53] Speaker D: Hey. Hey, buddy. Hey, you scared of two wheels?
[00:27:57] Speaker B: I'm not scared.
[00:27:59] Speaker D: Sounds like you're scared.
[00:28:00] Speaker B: No, I'm not scared. Shut up.
Yeah, leave me alone. Stop looking at me.
[00:28:06] Speaker D: Sorry. Hey, would a joke make you feel better?
[00:28:08] Speaker B: Your eyes have been dead ever since you came back from hell.
[00:28:12] Speaker D: Hey, shut up. Whoa, hold on a second.
[00:28:14] Speaker C: That's a low blow, Mike. That is fair.
[00:28:17] Speaker D: I don't know if it is. I still.
[00:28:19] Speaker B: Sometimes your left eye goes and rotates all the way around 100 8360 in the socket.
[00:28:27] Speaker D: Oh, you can see.
[00:28:27] Speaker B: That's disturbing. Yeah. What do you see when that happens?
[00:28:33] Speaker D: The dark lord, beelzebub.
As it goes around, I see him still in my skull, waiting for me to screw up two more times for me, for him to take my soul. And then it comes back, and we're back. But I try to keep that to myself.
[00:28:47] Speaker B: Um, flashback to the crossroads where Mike is making this deal with the devil.
So, Mike, if you want me to bring you back to life so that you can have another chance to lose your virginity, you cannot screw up three times. If you screw up three times, I get to take your soul for good.
[00:29:15] Speaker D: Do I get to go to the cool, fun hell where everybody fucks?
[00:29:19] Speaker B: No. No, you. You fucked that up. You blew that. You're going to super hell, dude.
[00:29:26] Speaker D: Don't make me go to super health, all right?
[00:29:28] Speaker B: Don't fuck up three times.
[00:29:30] Speaker D: Three foot, three chances. What constitutes?
[00:29:32] Speaker B: You need to promise me if I send you back, you will go back to college, you will major in psychology so you can understand why you're such a fucking loser, and you will, by your senior year, lose your virginity.
[00:29:52] Speaker D: I'm in.
[00:29:54] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:29:55] Speaker C: Great.
[00:29:55] Speaker B: Sign here, please. Oh, sorry. That pen is. You know what? Let me docusign it to you, and you can.
[00:30:00] Speaker D: Yeah, if you could. I got the new PDF editor app, so I think that that should be. That should work for you. Okay.
[00:30:06] Speaker B: All right, girl.
[00:30:06] Speaker C: Let me cut back to Alex talking to some girl, like, while Mike and Adam are still together, and he just, like, confided in me, and he's like, std's. I have all the STD's. Don't have sex with that guy over there. Mike, my best friend. So many STd's. Are you recording this? Anyway, what were we talking about?
[00:30:31] Speaker B: He was bullying me, so fuck off, please. You know, I'm tired of. I think I made a good impression on most of the people here, and I think I've laid the groundwork for my social success.
I'm gonna go home. I'm tired of being made fun of by you and eating bowls of crap. So, you know.
[00:30:53] Speaker D: You know. Adam. Adam.
[00:30:55] Speaker B: Yes?
[00:30:56] Speaker D: You know what you have? You know what? You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of the time the bicycle went home from the party too early. You know why he did that?
[00:31:04] Speaker B: Why?
[00:31:06] Speaker D: Because he was too tired. He was too tired.
You, on the other hand, you're. You're too tired. Yeah, that's right. You're too tired.
[00:31:14] Speaker C: A girl passes by. Oh, that was such a bad joke. I'll never have sex with that guy.
[00:31:19] Speaker D: No, not you too.
[00:31:20] Speaker C: Wow. I didn't even tell her about the STD's.
[00:31:23] Speaker B: We cut to the next morning in our dorm room.
[00:31:29] Speaker C: Ow, my head. Ow, my head. Why are we up so early?
[00:31:36] Speaker B: Rise and shine, fellas. Rise and shine. Look at that sunshine coming in, fellas.
[00:31:43] Speaker D: Adam.
[00:31:44] Speaker B: Yeah?
[00:31:45] Speaker D: Your knee.
[00:31:47] Speaker B: Yep, it's fine.
[00:31:48] Speaker D: Still not good?
[00:31:49] Speaker B: Nope, it is fine. I luckily had some packing tape left over from moving in, and it's fine, so we don't need to look at it. That's why I'm. That's why I'm wearing this apron. As you can see, I've made you some breakfast.
Some huevos rancheros.
[00:32:11] Speaker D: Thanks, Adam. Um, you don't have any after effects from the. From the.
[00:32:17] Speaker C: You want to talk about last night?
[00:32:19] Speaker B: No, I don't think so. I mean, I guess I don't feel pain anymore. I touched. I just touched the stove while I was making the huevos, and, um. Oh, nothing.
[00:32:32] Speaker D: Your. That finger is charcoal black. That's, um.
[00:32:36] Speaker B: Yeah, and it was like that, so it's fine. Worry about it.
[00:32:40] Speaker C: All right.
[00:32:42] Speaker B: If you will pick up your plates and come with me out onto the quad. I have something I'd like to show you.
[00:32:49] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:32:51] Speaker D: Adam, Alex, and Mike all walk onto the quad. As they do, they passed that by several people handing out flyers advertising a safe sex seminar.
[00:33:03] Speaker B: Hmm.
[00:33:03] Speaker C: I wonder what that's about.
Oh, look. The flyer just. It says. Just say no. And it's a picture of Mike's face.
[00:33:11] Speaker D: It's Mike's face with the circle and a line through it.
[00:33:15] Speaker B: Right.
[00:33:15] Speaker C: Wow. It's a good thing your soul's not riding on this, Mike. Otherwise, that would be pretty big.
[00:33:20] Speaker B: That would be bad.
[00:33:22] Speaker D: Yeah, no kidding.
[00:33:23] Speaker B: So, as you can see, tarp just standing here in the middle of the quad. Something underneath a tarp. Any guesses?
[00:33:32] Speaker C: Is it a boat?
[00:33:34] Speaker B: No.
[00:33:35] Speaker C: Is it a bike?
[00:33:36] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:33:38] Speaker C: Oh.
[00:33:39] Speaker B: Behold. A brand new BMX bike. Perfectly sized.
[00:33:43] Speaker C: For me.
[00:33:44] Speaker B: No, for yours truly. Me.
[00:33:47] Speaker C: Oh.
[00:33:47] Speaker D: You know, Adam, I want to make it clear.
We're okay with you not being able to bike like we were.
[00:33:54] Speaker B: Just. I'm able to. I'm able to bike. I know how to bike. I've chosen not to up to this point.
[00:34:01] Speaker D: I really don't think you should bike on that knee. I really don't think you should even be walking on that knee. I don't think that that's supposed to really have this work. This is.
[00:34:10] Speaker C: Yeah, man, we're worried about you.
[00:34:13] Speaker B: Look, if you're so worried about it, I'll put it back, all right?
[00:34:18] Speaker C: I don't even know what to say about that.
[00:34:20] Speaker D: It goes right back.
[00:34:23] Speaker C: Wow. It even made the little boing sound.
[00:34:28] Speaker B: Well, I'll work on it later. It's fine.
I got chin pads, so it's fine. What's about to happen, and you're all gonna be very impressed by this, is. I'm going to BMX bike all the way around the quad doing various tricks.
[00:34:45] Speaker C: Okay, that sounds like a horrible idea. Let me get the camera.
[00:34:49] Speaker B: Any last words, Mike, before I blow your mind?
[00:34:53] Speaker D: I guess not. Besides, please, God, don't.
[00:34:56] Speaker C: But, like, Adam, seriously, just let me set up the tripod first.
[00:35:03] Speaker D: Yo, spokes. Going for it again, guys. Yo, let's check it out.
[00:35:07] Speaker B: That's right. Yeah. Hey, Cal. Everyone, gather round. Check. Check this out. This is gonna be pretty cool. It's gonna be great.
[00:35:13] Speaker C: Oh, maybe we call them spoke because Bycav spoke. That makes sense.
[00:35:18] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:35:19] Speaker D: The buildings fill. Some signs dangle from nearby dorms saying, we heart spoke spelled several different ways.
[00:35:28] Speaker B: Yeah. A lot of sp O c K. A lot of.
[00:35:32] Speaker D: A lot of spoak, you know, that kind of stuff.
[00:35:36] Speaker B: Hey, Cal, thank you so much for coming. I. You know, I hope you like what you're about to see. I. Your approval means a lot to me, dude.
[00:35:47] Speaker D: You're doing pretty good. That me is so fucked up. Yeah, it's radical, dude.
[00:35:53] Speaker B: Thank you. Yes.
[00:35:55] Speaker C: It's literally bending the wrong way.
[00:35:57] Speaker D: I actively want throw up every time I see it. It's fucking amazing.
[00:36:02] Speaker B: Thank you. Legitimately concerning Cal, do you think I could get, like, a zone and girt? Little meal exchange?
I can drink the calzone and eat the yogurt while I'm doing my trick.
[00:36:16] Speaker D: Oh, dude, we would get so much publicity. I learned that in my marketing class. You want your name and product near the people's eyes, so. Yeah, definitely, actually. Here, let me go. And he just staples a calzone on spokes back.
[00:36:34] Speaker B: Did you?
Did you?
[00:36:36] Speaker D: Nothing important. You go calzone, hit the red.
[00:36:39] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[00:36:39] Speaker C: You can't feel anything anymore. So. So tell us about your trajectory. I see a lot of, like, you know, potential, like, jump opportunities here, like, with the ramps and the staircases.
[00:36:51] Speaker B: Yeah. So, you see, obviously, in the center of the quad is the statue of Ray Romano.
That is where I'm going to end up. As you can see, there's quite a bit of space distance between the walls of the quad and the statues. So my trajectory is, I'm going to start here, I'm going to ride along the wall, and I'm going to do a little kick off of the wall and up to Peterboyle hall, like, wave to the people in the classroom through the window, and I'm gonna land balancing my front wheel on the. On Ray's head. What do you think about it?
[00:37:28] Speaker C: You know, Adam, I gotta be honest.
I kind of thought it was okay that you didn't. Weren't able to ride a bike. But now that I know you can ride a bike and you're about to do this amazing trick, it honestly makes me so much more happy. And, like, I like my respect for you has gone up. I think you're a cooler person now. Um, and I think if you weren't able to do this, you'd be, like, kind of lame by comparison, so I'm I'm I'm happy.
[00:37:58] Speaker B: I fucking knew it. Snaps leg back into place oh, my God. You fucking assholes. Who cal taking bike apart piece by piece. You, Alex, and Mike, wherever he went.
[00:38:14] Speaker C: Where is Mike?
[00:38:15] Speaker B: I can't believe that you guys respect me more now that you think I'm a professional bmx rider.
[00:38:23] Speaker C: Oh, gee, what a crime that we think you're cool. Because you can ride a bike, and what are you waiting for? Ride the bike.
[00:38:30] Speaker B: Well, I'm not gonna do it now. You should like me whether or not I ride a bike well or at all, or if I'm afraid of the bike for something that happened to me in childhood that we don't have to talk about. So stop looking at me.
[00:38:44] Speaker D: I'd like to get into it. That sounds like extra credit, Mike.
[00:38:49] Speaker B: We will talk later.
[00:38:50] Speaker D: Thank you.
[00:38:52] Speaker B: Yeah. Guys, all of this talk about wanting to make new friends and, you know, fit in and be accepted by the community, the college, it. It was really, honestly all a trick to get you guys to say that you liked me just the way I am.
[00:39:10] Speaker C: Oh, Adam, we don't.
[00:39:14] Speaker D: Adam, I like you. You're a good pal. You've been my podcast buddy for so long. We've been through so much. You're my buddy.
[00:39:23] Speaker B: Thank you, Mike.
[00:39:24] Speaker D: I met you yesterday.
I don't know nothing about you. I don't know who the fuck this Adam guy is, but spoke. Dude, if you don't land this trick, you are banned from Calzone zone.
[00:39:37] Speaker B: Well, I don't want to be banned from the calzone zone.
[00:39:39] Speaker D: It's too bad. I'm gonna put your name on the wall, and not in a good way.
[00:39:44] Speaker C: Well, tough news, buddy. If he's banned from Calzone zone, then so is Mike.
[00:39:49] Speaker D: Mike's already banned from Calzone zone. What did I do? Dude, you're. You coughed your STD's all the way all over the calzones. That's not.
[00:39:59] Speaker C: That's not cool, Mike. But we're still cool, right, Cal?
[00:40:01] Speaker D: I don't. How do I have StD's?
[00:40:06] Speaker C: How?
[00:40:07] Speaker D: Yeah, I mean, I did, like.
[00:40:09] Speaker B: Yeah. We come back to the crossroads.
Hey, imp, get over here.
You see this guy? He's walking away down the crossroads. I'm just gonna, like. I made a deal with him. Yes. Have sex, or he goes to super hell.
I'm just gonna, like. Thank you. I'm gonna, like, curse him with all the STD's. What do you think? Chlamydia? The clap? If that's different from chlamydia. Crabs.
I like it.
[00:40:38] Speaker C: I heard Netflix was just about to release AIDS plus, so you should give him that, too.
[00:40:45] Speaker B: We cut to the trailer for AIDS plus.
[00:40:50] Speaker D: AIDS is back with a vengeance.
[00:41:00] Speaker B: Well, Cal, come on. I need to go to the Cal zone zone. I got the cheapest meal plan. They don't even let me in the dining hall. I can only trade meals for calzones and half yogurts. And a snapple every Friday.
[00:41:15] Speaker C: What else do you need?
[00:41:16] Speaker D: Dude, I'm on your side. I'm your friend. But I'm not gonna be your friend if you don't live this fucking trick.
[00:41:24] Speaker B: Fuck.
[00:41:25] Speaker C: You already took the bike apart.
[00:41:26] Speaker B: Well, I'll put it back together.
[00:41:28] Speaker D: Hey, hey, hey, no.
[00:41:29] Speaker B: Hey.
[00:41:29] Speaker D: Hold on. Cal, I want you to know something. Adam's a good dude. He's a great dude. In fact, okay, no one on this earth is a better dude than him right now. I don't care how fucked up his knee is. He's. He's our buddy. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna give him any and all calzones that I find in your trash, okay?
[00:41:51] Speaker C: Wow.
[00:41:51] Speaker B: Thanks, Mike.
[00:41:52] Speaker D: It's all gonna be.
[00:41:54] Speaker B: That means a lot.
You know what, cow?
I am gonna put this bike back together. And you know what? I am gonna do this badass bike trick all around the quad. And you know what? After I do that, I'm not gonna be your friend. You're banned from me. What? You know why? Because I got all the friends I need right here. I tap my friends on their breast.
[00:42:23] Speaker C: Is that me? Oh, my titty.
[00:42:30] Speaker D: Wait, what? I just. I just. I just want someone to tap me on my breast, dude. That's all this is all really about.
[00:42:36] Speaker B: A woman walks by, don't let Mike tap you on the breast.
[00:42:39] Speaker D: What did I do? Don't do that.
[00:42:41] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:42:42] Speaker D: Come on.
You don't understand. I gotta. I gotta fuck to get into super health.
[00:42:48] Speaker C: See, it's interesting, cuz. Cuz I thought. I thought I. I made up a rumor about Mike having STD's.
[00:42:55] Speaker D: He just does.
[00:42:56] Speaker C: I was right.
[00:42:57] Speaker B: I guessed. Yeah. He just admitted. Mike. We didn't know that. Us, Alex and Adam, we.
[00:43:04] Speaker D: Oh, you guys didn't know.
[00:43:07] Speaker C: You didn't tell us?
[00:43:08] Speaker D: I turns back in his skull, you see Beelzebub holding up a single finger.
[00:43:17] Speaker B: Back there, flipping Mike off in his brain.
[00:43:19] Speaker D: Guys, I killed that. I think I fucked up again.
[00:43:23] Speaker B: That's okay. You wouldn't be Mike if you didn't. All right, here I go, everyone. I'm gonna do this not because I want Cal to respect me, and not for any other reason, but because I want to. Because I feel supported and accepted by my friends. Here I go. And I immediately. I've been holding the brakes, so I immediately pitch forward on the bike and slam my head into the brick wall surrounding the quad. And we do a smash cut to my eyes opening with Mike and Alex standing over me.
Did I do. Did I do it?
[00:44:06] Speaker C: Well, you fixed your knee.
[00:44:08] Speaker B: Oh, great.
[00:44:10] Speaker C: Bad news. The rest of you is also.
[00:44:15] Speaker B: I can feel pain again.
[00:44:17] Speaker D: Yeah, kind of like a screenshot kind of thing. It just kind of reset there.
[00:44:21] Speaker C: Mm hmm, mm hmm. It's.
[00:44:22] Speaker B: It's real screenshot kind of thing. Whoa.
[00:44:25] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:44:26] Speaker D: Like, you hit. You. You hit the start and go button on the. On the bike at the same time, and it kind of took a screenshot. And by take a screenshot, I mean broke every other bone in your body, reset everything.
[00:44:38] Speaker B: Mike, maybe I've. I need to recover a little bit. I'm not following this metaphor, you know, at all.
[00:44:44] Speaker D: When you take a screenshot, it's. You hit the power and the volume button at the same time.
[00:44:49] Speaker B: Sure.
[00:44:50] Speaker D: Off and on, like, you did that with your bike.
[00:44:53] Speaker B: And what are the start and go buttons? You said the start and go buttons on the bike. Is it the pedals, you know, on a bike?
[00:45:03] Speaker D: And the brake. The starting to go buttons.
[00:45:07] Speaker B: How is the brake? The mike. Never mind. I think I kind of want to put this whole thing behind us.
[00:45:14] Speaker D: That's a good idea.
[00:45:15] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:45:15] Speaker B: You know what, Adam?
[00:45:17] Speaker C: I'm be thankful you're okay. Thanks to a blood infusion from our good pal mike, here you are, as right as rain. No problems.
[00:45:27] Speaker D: You're welcome, buddy.
[00:45:29] Speaker B: Well, I mean, I think, regardless, I think we'll find our place here eventually, and I think the next four years are gonna be good for us.
[00:45:42] Speaker C: Oh, did I not tell you guys?
Oh, I forgot to mention, at the party, I met one of the Ras, and I don't know why they have this power, but they let me sign us up for the accelerated courses, where we get to graduate in only a year at the cost of doing six times the amount of work and money.
Okay, I know the math doesn't math there, but they assured me it was a good deal. That also means I only have, like, two weeks to decide my major.
[00:46:12] Speaker B: Oh, that's true. I have to decide mine, as well and say what it was.
All right, well, I guess that means we have to work a little harder to make friends and find our place. But maybe the podcast will help us make friends. As people hear the podcast, they will.
[00:46:33] Speaker C: Want to be our friend.
[00:46:34] Speaker B: Want to be our friend. Yeah. It's worked so far.
[00:46:37] Speaker C: Yeah.
Who wouldn't listen to this? And be like, I'll vote for that guy, or I'll fight the French with that guy, or I'll ignore science for that guy, or I'll live in an rv park for that guy. It's always worked out for us.
[00:46:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
What do you say?
We got the new laptops, student laptops issued by the university. They can probably handle recording the podcast. You guys want to sit down and talk about, gosh, what episode was it that we just watched? It feels like a million years. Oh, right. Season four, episode one, the Boob job. Right. So, all right, let's. Let's start recording. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the. What did we change the name to again? And what year is it? And also, who's the president?
[00:47:28] Speaker C: Me.
[00:47:29] Speaker B: Oh, congratulations. What's the podcast called?
[00:47:33] Speaker D: The Barozone.
[00:47:34] Speaker B: Right.
[00:47:35] Speaker C: Ed, let's just get right into it. It. We. This episode is all about titties.
[00:47:42] Speaker B: That's right.
[00:47:43] Speaker D: That's actually a really. Okay, yeah, that's a really good assessment, actually. I have a lot of thoughts about this episode.
First of all, I think I can speak for everybody when the general consensus with the general consensus of horniest episode.
[00:47:59] Speaker B: Of everybody lives Raymond in existence so far, probably.
[00:48:03] Speaker D: I can't imagine. You say so far, I cannot imagine a horn.
[00:48:06] Speaker C: Do you remember the one with the art piece?
[00:48:08] Speaker B: Well, that hasn't happened yet.
[00:48:10] Speaker C: I know, but, yes, I still firmly.
[00:48:13] Speaker D: Will put this above. Firmly with bad choice of words there above that episode.
[00:48:19] Speaker C: I mean, yeah, this one did have.
[00:48:20] Speaker B: You know, some pairs I'm excited to see. So the only tags for this episode on IMDb, because you can put tags on episodes on IMDb are kiss and cleavage. So I'm sure people were disappointed, you know, they were going on IMDb searching for cleavage.
[00:48:39] Speaker C: There wasn't, like, a lot of, like, kissing in this episode, was there?
[00:48:43] Speaker B: There was one kiss, if that.
[00:48:45] Speaker D: Yeah, I think that's it. Yeah.
[00:48:47] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:48:47] Speaker D: Well, I guess they kiss each other good night early on in the episode, but there's one, like, significant kiss.
[00:48:53] Speaker B: Yeah, I would. I would drop kiss from the tags if I was editing IMDb. I would just go full cleavage and no other tags. Not family, not sitcom, just cleavage.
[00:49:05] Speaker D: Yep.
[00:49:06] Speaker C: I mean, you don't really have to sell the idea of cleavage, because it's. The episode is called boob Job.
[00:49:13] Speaker B: True.
[00:49:14] Speaker C: It's fascinating to me, like. Like, there was no real, like, surprising reactions here. Right? Frank, Robert, and Marie all gave exactly what you expect from both talking about Boob Job, I thought it was very funny how, like, into the idea of a boob job. Frank, Robert, and Ray were not like, anyone getting one. Just like the concept of booby be bigger.
[00:49:42] Speaker B: It was very cartoonish. It was like, I don't know, pepe Le Pew, this sort of thing, like the eyes popping out of the skull as soon as they saw Debra, it was heightened.
[00:49:56] Speaker D: Yeah. The first conversation they had about the boop job was sure not great meeting, not progressive. I could see how it was. It was kind of funny. It had a couple laughs in there, but it was also like, I could see their characters doing this. The fact I'm just, it took me out of it that the thought that Ray's father just immediately went full goo goo eyes at Deborah and just like, just like, that's your daughter in law.
[00:50:30] Speaker B: Daughter in law than four.
[00:50:32] Speaker D: You've known her more than four minutes. Not that you should, even if you've just met the person, but, like, that's like a huge part of your family.
[00:50:40] Speaker C: Right.
[00:50:41] Speaker D: Very strange son's wife.
[00:50:43] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:50:44] Speaker C: I mean, I can't even defend it in the sense of like, oh, he's just like. It's like a surprise stare. Not like an ugly stare.
[00:50:53] Speaker D: Nope.
[00:50:53] Speaker C: No, that's an ogly.
[00:50:55] Speaker D: No, it was not.
[00:50:56] Speaker B: Especially the way that he was, like, talking about it. Yeah.
[00:51:00] Speaker D: Now, from a. From a. If I were to take a step back, remove that from it. From a pure comedic writing standpoint, I do understand the humor of the. Of the. Alright, guys, time for you to go.
[00:51:14] Speaker C: No, no, that was hilarious.
[00:51:17] Speaker B: That was hilarious. I do get that time.
[00:51:19] Speaker D: But it just, it really did feel like they treated Debra with less respect than they treated Angelina in that one episode. And we talked a lot about how, like, shitty that was. So.
[00:51:31] Speaker C: Yeah, it really was just like, this is like, look at Deborah's boobs. The episode, correct.
[00:51:38] Speaker B: Yeah. All, like, you know, of the social dynamics of the family out the window. Her brother in law and father in law are going to now stare at her chest and, like, drool over her. It's very. At least you got to give Rey credit at parents night. At least he pointedly averted his gaze. He liked Kayla. Yeah. He didn't trust himself not to stare directly at them.
You have to give him credit for that. What you don't have to give him credit for is his reaction to hearing not only that Cheryl got a boob job, but also that she showed them to Debra and let her touch them. Yeah, it's troubling. Do you guys. I thought when they said parents night, they were referring to a parent teacher conference. I didn't realize it would be like a singles mixer for parents hanging out like a.
[00:52:35] Speaker C: At one of their houses.
[00:52:36] Speaker B: That was somebody's house.
[00:52:37] Speaker C: I've never heard of something like this before.
[00:52:39] Speaker D: I have not either. I mean, we're not parents, so maybe this thing does exist. But, like, I've never heard of it, so.
[00:52:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:52:47] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:52:48] Speaker B: I kind of expected there to be, like, a fishbowl in the background.
That was the vibe I was gonna.
[00:52:54] Speaker C: Robert to have his afro again.
[00:52:56] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:52:57] Speaker D: Yeah.
[00:52:57] Speaker B: He brings it out to swing.
Yeah. Ray then says the party turns out to be the best night of his life.
And anything else you guys want to call out.
[00:53:11] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:53:11] Speaker D: The only other thing that I will say is, yeah, I mean, just, like, listen, there's a very distinct line in the sand between the first half and post half, pre and post boob job, allegedly. And, I don't know, the first half still, like, we. Like I said, wasn't exactly progressive. Wasn't exactly, you know, classy, but I could see.
[00:53:35] Speaker B: No, you're right.
You have to admit. Everyone has to admit that this episode was not classy.
[00:53:42] Speaker C: Right, exactly.
[00:53:43] Speaker D: I just. I just mean to say that, like. Like what we said before, I was just shocked at how the social graces went out the window. The social dynamics disappeared, how Deborah's character just kind of faded until the socks came out. Like, it was just, like. So, like, what I was trying to say is the first half kind of, like, I could see how that could be, you know, ribbing of, like, actual, you know, gossip and ribbing of each other, and, like, all right, that's fine, but I don't know. It felt. It felt very. It just. I didn't like the way that they. That they stopped Deborah being a person until she was yelling at Rey again.
[00:54:20] Speaker C: Let me ask you something, both of you. How do you feel about Debra using the socks to, like, kind of trick Rey? It's clear to me that she was not intending for the family to be there. She was just trying to have this on for him.
How do you feel about what she did?
[00:54:38] Speaker B: Yeah, I was gonna say, cause of Mike's point about her character sort of being erased by this. When you realize that she did this because she was insecure, or we find out that she did this because she's insecure about herself and how Rey looks at her.
It's very. It's sad. It's the sequence of events of her, or, like, the logic in her head of, like, the only way I'm gonna know for sure if Rey really is attracted to me or is if I trap him in this situation where he has to reveal his true feelings. It's flawed logic.
And we find out that, like, when they drop the.
When they're vulnerable with each other and speak honestly and clearly communicate, which is what we've been saying from episode one, they're able to resolve the conflict, and at least until Rey gets insecure about his breasts.
Yeah, it's. I don't. I don't see it. I could easily see this on the everybody loves Raymond subreddit, as this is an example of Debra being mean and being cruel to Rey, being terrible to Rey. But I don't think it's that. I don't think you can reduce this to that. I think this is a conflict that Deborah is experiencing, manifesting in this way that is no more destructive than anything Rey has ever done on a daily basis. Cruel Mike, what do you think?
[00:56:11] Speaker D: I know. I agree with you. I also just think that.
I don't know. I think that I struggle because, on the one hand, I do. Your point is good that it's like, this is a complex thing that a human being is feeling of insecurity in the face of a culture that hyper sexualizes women. Am I actually a woman? We see that a little bit with Rey. The flip of that with Rey later on, which I actually really like, that they kind of turned it on its head a little bit at the end. But so much of this episode just felt to me, like, I hate to say it, but, like, one of the writers had a crush for Patricia Heaton and just wanted to see her.
I don't know if that's actually what happened. That's kind of the vibe I was kind of getting, though. I don't really. I don't know.
[00:57:01] Speaker B: Yeah, it definitely objectifies her in the process of doing this. You know, there is an emotional arc to it, but it's especially, like, this being the thing that she's insecure about. Like, it's not really convenient for the.
[00:57:17] Speaker C: Writers and the viewers.
[00:57:19] Speaker D: Right, right.
[00:57:21] Speaker B: I also think that, like, the scene of Deborah coming into the bedroom, that probably shows up on the Everybody loves Raymond Subreddit Weekly. Cause they are a horny and angry bunch.
[00:57:35] Speaker D: They're. They're Redditors. What else is new?
[00:57:40] Speaker B: I love Barnes and Noble. That might be one of my favorite jokes on this show.
[00:57:45] Speaker D: Good bit.
[00:57:45] Speaker C: What's the best. What's the net? What's the best names you guys have ever heard for boobs?
[00:57:51] Speaker B: Oh, the best Barnes and Noble is up there.
[00:57:55] Speaker C: Barnes and Noble is good. One I have heard from a friend I knew is Thunder and Lightning, which I really like.
[00:58:02] Speaker B: Nice.
[00:58:02] Speaker D: That's not bad. That's not bad.
[00:58:05] Speaker B: Um, it doesn't have to be, like, a pair. Cause, like, we can do that all day, you know, tango and Cash Turner and Huge.
[00:58:13] Speaker C: You know, I you know, my. My boys down there are named pomp and circumstance.
[00:58:22] Speaker B: That is true.
Yeah. I don't know. I think referring to Deborah as Barnes and Noble is very funny. Very unexpected from Ray. Cause he's not necessarily a reader.
Hey, nickel, I'm back. Is how Ray opens the scene of him coming home from the road. That is actually how the band got their name. A lot of people don't know that because they were big. Everybody loves Raymond fans.
That's not true. Apparently, the story is that they heard someone getting change at Starbucks, and the barista was like, you get a nickel back. And they were just like, that's it.
[00:59:03] Speaker D: That's it.
[00:59:05] Speaker B: Which. That also might be a lie that was told to me, but.
[00:59:09] Speaker C: Well, that's how my band got their name as well.
[00:59:12] Speaker D: Straw.
[00:59:12] Speaker C: With that.
[00:59:18] Speaker B: Explain the situation.
[00:59:20] Speaker C: I was at Starbucks.
[00:59:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:59:22] Speaker C: And the barista said, would you like a straw?
[00:59:23] Speaker B: Oh, okay. They were asking, you see, I was.
[00:59:27] Speaker D: That's how my band. That's how my band. That's how my band got hit. Got its name. Casher card.
[00:59:35] Speaker B: I mean, there's limitless things.
That's how my. My band got their name. You have to hold it there for a second.
[00:59:42] Speaker C: Yeah. These are all things my band got their name. Sir, put your pants back on. This is a Wendy's.
[00:59:48] Speaker B: Okay, that's. That's the one to stop at. We finally got to. This is a wendy's, which is how you know that the bit has to end.
Here's one more thing. Megan Holloway, aka Beth Holloway, played Cheryl Kaler. This was her second role. She worked consistently for 25 years and was on an episode of Till Death. Anything else you want to say about the episode?
[01:00:17] Speaker D: I'm more or less out. How about you, Alex?
[01:00:20] Speaker C: I don't have too much more to say, I think.
[01:00:23] Speaker B: Did we talk about the hot clothes?
Oh, that.
[01:00:28] Speaker D: I liked it, but that's kind of all we talked about. I did actually, like. Like the scene. On the one hand, it does kind of go against the thesis statement that, like.
Well, maybe it doesn't. That the married couples will love each other through their insecurities, because Rey was actually. It doesn't really go against that, but Rey was just very insecure in his own body. I am glad we got to see some. Some ray skin in this episode made it great.
[01:00:55] Speaker C: It also feels.
[01:00:56] Speaker B: But it does the most.
[01:00:57] Speaker C: We just kind of. It does kind of feel like. It was almost like the writers being like, see, we're being fair because, you know, we also sexualize Rey.
Yeah, they sexualize Rey. It's for. It's for comedy.
[01:01:10] Speaker B: Yeah. Yes, I did like Debra's line. He's, you know, posing in the mirror and doesn't notice Deborah is in there. She says, you want my socks? Pretty good. The audience, though, claps appreciatively at that. They didn't really laugh, which I found odd.
[01:01:30] Speaker D: I also will say, just from a logistical standpoint, I always was under the impression that the reason why we haven't seen Ray take a shirt off is because it's network tv and he doesn't want to show the goods on network tv. Completely fair. He showed the goods. He showed the goods. But now my question is, every time we've seen him getting ready for good or sex, he keeps his shirt on. He keeps his socks on.
[01:01:56] Speaker C: Maybe he's insecure.
[01:01:57] Speaker D: Does he just.
Does Ray Barone keep his shirt off when he bangs?
[01:02:05] Speaker B: Keep his shirt off or on?
[01:02:06] Speaker D: On. Keep his shirt on when he bangs. Is he a shirt on, socks on kind of guy?
[01:02:10] Speaker C: Well, Mike, part of the fun, like, you know, part of the fun of eating a burrito is unwrapping the foil, you know.
[01:02:20] Speaker D: Very well said. Very well said. You got it. You win. You win.
[01:02:24] Speaker B: I'm not even gonna say what I was gonna say.
[01:02:26] Speaker D: No, that was. That wins.
[01:02:28] Speaker B: That's too great.
I did want to call out. Speaking of Ray banging, there is a boner joke in this episode that is, I found shocking.
So Deborah comes into the bedroom and they're about to get it on, and she is about to introduce him to Barnes and noble.
And she says, you might want to back up. And Marie says, you might want to back up. As if he's like 6ft away from her, implying that he is so aroused that he might wily coyote her through the wall.
[01:03:13] Speaker D: Good for him. Good for him.
[01:03:16] Speaker B: You know, just want to call that out.
Okay, cool. So let's turn our attention to. We still have to.
How many credits is the barometer worth anyway? That's like twelve credits. Like a whole semester.
[01:03:30] Speaker D: Yeah. No, we got to get back.
[01:03:31] Speaker B: It's a big part of our core curriculum. Just us. I've been talking to people, and no one else has to do this but us. It's just extra credit. Yeah, I guess so. Or the. Yeah, professor.
[01:03:44] Speaker D: The provost just hates us. He's in my animal.
[01:03:47] Speaker B: Mike, be careful. That's one.
[01:03:50] Speaker D: I'm sorry.
[01:03:50] Speaker B: Stop looking in the mirror and stop checking yourself out. Be careful.
Okay. The barometer is our rating scale. Our classic barometers are patented. Scale from one to ten on which you raised performance as a husband, brother, son, father fucker. With ten being the great dads of sitcom history, your Danny Tanner's uncle Phil's, and one being your bad men of television, Walter White's, Don Draper's men who actively harm their families. Alex, where is Ray coming in for you.
[01:04:24] Speaker D: Okay.
[01:04:25] Speaker C: A little below average.
He was kind of an ass at the parent thing. Like, I want to go home. And then, like, Deborah comes and she's like, I've got the tea. I've got something interesting. And he's like, I want to go home. And then she says, boob job. And he's like, oh, now I'm interested.
Like, dude, you should support your spouse no matter what the topic is. Like, if she said, like, you know, she saw, you know, someone who's proclaiming they're on a diet, eat like, a slice of cake, he should be like, would. No way. That's interesting. Um, and then, you know, like, talking about the boo job was a little weird with his family.
Um, I, like, I don't even know if I could say that's, like, necessarily really bad. It's just, like, really weird to me. Um, and I think his biggest issue is just when Deborah was, quote unquote testing him, he just had to say at some point, like, you didn't have to do this. I love you the way you were, and. But which is the right thing to say because he does. He just doesn't say shit like that because he's an idiot.
I don't know. I'm going to give him a four.
Not great. Like, below average, but, like, not awful.
[01:05:42] Speaker B: Yeah, that. That makes sense for me. I.
He wasn't as bad as you would think he would be. Like, he gets irrationally excited about the thought of a woman he doesn't know having a boob job, and then proceeds to tell his entire family about it, as if this is big news that they all need to know about. It's very exciting. And he gets his father and brother riled up about it and.
Yeah, and the choice from him to say, unless you think it's stupid, when Debra asks if she should get one, was the wrong choice, the wrong move. And he didn't do anything so egregious when Deborah was tricking him, like, he was reacting to what he thought the situation was. Sure, he should have not created that situation in the first place. But it's not like he said, wow, you look so much better now.
[01:06:48] Speaker C: It's what he didn't say.
[01:06:50] Speaker B: Yeah, I like that. When they got open with each other, I think that I give him a little bit of credit for that. Although he sort of shifted the focus to his own insecurity and maybe didn't fully get closure on Deborah's issue. I think four is probably the right spot, but I don't want to give him too much. I'm going to give him 3.5. Mike.
[01:07:14] Speaker D: Yeah, I think that. I mean, I really don't. I think the person that was the worst in this episode was arguably frank and Robert. I mean, definitely Frank. Like, those. Like, those two in this scene was the only time that was actively uncomfortable. Like, I mean, yes, sure. Would you guys bring up about Ray ogling the woman at the parents party? Not good.
I don't mean to dismiss that, but what. But, you know, it started out as gossip among. Among us. Among spouses. And, I mean, yes, he probably could have phrased the conversation in bed better.
And by probably, I mean definitely could have. But also, I also, like.
He said far worse things, and we haven't thought twice about it. And so that wasn't really what my issue was. I also don't know if it was fair of Deborah. I want to say to, like, be like, no, you were supposed to say these things when I reveal that my breasts are larger, you know, like, I just. I don't. I don't think that was fair either. I'm still going to say I'm going to agree with Alex and give him a four because he wasn't good, but we've seen him be so, so much worse. He. I think that the mistakes he made here were subtle, but then again, he did. He was very objectifying to different. To women at different. I. My instinct was a four. I'm gonna go three seven. Just to be. Just to be. Let's go right in the middle of you two gentlemen.
[01:08:50] Speaker B: Okay.
[01:08:51] Speaker C: All right.
[01:08:52] Speaker B: Okay. What is the average of that? 3.54 and 3.73.7.
Is it really?
[01:08:59] Speaker C: Well, 3.75, I think.
[01:09:01] Speaker B: Right, let's check. Let's find out.
[01:09:03] Speaker D: 3.5 plus four plus 3.7 equals. Divided by three. 3.73 repeating. So, yeah, we'll raise that to 3.7. Call it a day.
[01:09:14] Speaker B: Alex, you nailed it. Good job.
[01:09:16] Speaker D: Math.
[01:09:17] Speaker B: Maybe Alex should take over doing the math.
Better at it than Mike.
[01:09:23] Speaker D: Yeah, he did that really freaking quick.
[01:09:26] Speaker B: Yeah, Mike, I did see that you just emailed the. The person who's in charge of the school about changing your major to math. I. I would back on that back.
Who did you email in?
[01:09:39] Speaker D: I can double major.
[01:09:40] Speaker B: Who did you email?
[01:09:41] Speaker D: Provost.
[01:09:43] Speaker B: That's two. That's to be careful. Stop looking at the mirror. Stop preening. Focus. We need to wrap up the show.
[01:09:51] Speaker C: Well, guys, I think this was a very successful first few days at college. I don't know how this is gonna go, but I feel confident that this new era will be fun. You know, with all of the work we have to do for college, we'll still make time for the episodes, even though they'll be a little shorter. This is a solid 20 minutes, but, you know, it's better than nothing.
[01:10:18] Speaker B: I agree.
[01:10:20] Speaker D: All right.
[01:10:21] Speaker B: Anything else?
[01:10:23] Speaker C: I'm ready to learn.
[01:10:25] Speaker D: Yeah, let's get back to it. I actually join this new sport.
[01:10:30] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[01:10:30] Speaker D: Boastball. And we got.
[01:10:32] Speaker B: And you're amateurs, right?
[01:10:34] Speaker D: Yeah, we're amateurs, but we're inviting a professional to come teach us, so I really gotta. We really gotta sign that before so I can go meet the provost.
[01:10:44] Speaker B: Did you guys hear that? Those thunderclaps? Did you hear that?
[01:10:48] Speaker D: I heard. I heard them in the distance.
[01:10:49] Speaker B: Oh, something's knocking on our narrow bathroom door. Okay, Alex, why don't you lean up against that sort of barricade? Let's. Let's get our classic sign off out, and then let's get out of here. Until next time, folks, just remember that everybody loves Raymond and we love you.
Oh, it's a provost.
Thank you for listening to the Barone zone, a post fun podcast. Want more of the Barone boys? Pay what you want for lifetime access to monthly bonus episodes in the baronus zonis. Visit postfun.org subscribe Slash Raymond to learn more.
